Hairless Hypoallergenic Hellhound

from One Nerdy Knight by Apryl Knight

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about

Apryl Knight plays toy piano, tambourine, piano, voice

lyrics

It’s tough being a demon, I feel so all alone
I wish that I had someone to help me feel at home
But people aren’t the answer, on account of the dark curse,
And fluffy dogs and kittens will send me to the nurse.

That’s right; I am allergic, to dander and to fur,
But I have strong desires for a friendly bark or purr.
What to do? How can I solve this? Who out there’s meant for me?
I’ll search the demon classifieds to see what I can see.

But, look! What have I found here? It’s the answer to my prayers.
This simple little advert has caught me unawares.
They’re offering a companion, a perfect one for me.
But why is she so perfect? Just listen, and you’ll see!

(Chorus)
She is a hairless hypoallergenic hellhound.
Won’t make me sneeze. I say, “Yes, please!”
She is a hairless hypoallergenic hellhound.
She’ll make this cursed life much easier on me.

I call the number listed, someone answers and says “Hi.”
I ask about the Hellhound, he says “Sure thing, come on by.”
I feel a little nervous; will this hound be the one?
I walk in, see her flaming eyes - a friendship has begun!

(Chorus)
She is a hairless hypoallergenic hellhound.
Won’t make me sneeze. I say, “Yes, please!”
She is a hairless hypoallergenic hellhound.
She’ll make this cursed life much easier on me.

I go about my business, from place to place I fly
My brand new friend, the hellhound, brings a twinkle to my eye
She follows me along my rounds, she helps from time to time
She seems to really like me, and she makes my life sublime!

My first stop’s a cathedral, I incite lust in a priest,
the pristine velvet benches are assaulted by my beast
I then foreclose some mortgages, and misplace some car keys
My hellhound travels to a park and profanes on some trees

Next we drive out to city hall, and cause a lot of pain
by driving 20 miles per hour while in the passing lane
My hellhound distracts everyone, she is so very nimble
while I alter some freeway plans to make an occult symbol

(Chorus)
She is a hairless hypoallergenic hellhound.
Won’t make me sneeze. I say, “Yes, please!”
She is a hairless hypoallergenic hellhound.
She’ll make this cursed life much easier on me.

And on the way back home, I make some rot in a fruit tree
My hellhound scares the neighbor’s cat so he’ll break their TV
We spend some time on crank calls and a rousing game of fetch,
then finish up by cursing my ex-boss, oh that poor wretch!

(Chorus)
She is a hairless hypoallergenic hellhound.
Won’t make me sneeze. I say, “Yes, please!”
She is a hairless hypoallergenic hellhound.
She’ll make this cursed life much easier on me.

credits

from One Nerdy Knight, released March 19, 2019
Words and Music by Apryl Knight / April D. Porter

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Apryl Knight Austin, Texas

Apryl Knight is an Austin-based geek who loves all things SCA, Medieval, Renaissance, and Sci-Fi. She plays music from many times and many lands on WAY too many instruments.

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