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1. |
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It’s tough being a demon, I feel so all alone
I wish that I had someone to help me feel at home
But people aren’t the answer, on account of the dark curse,
And fluffy dogs and kittens will send me to the nurse.
That’s right; I am allergic, to dander and to fur,
But I have strong desires for a friendly bark or purr.
What to do? How can I solve this? Who out there’s meant for me?
I’ll search the demon classifieds to see what I can see.
But, look! What have I found here? It’s the answer to my prayers.
This simple little advert has caught me unawares.
They’re offering a companion, a perfect one for me.
But why is she so perfect? Just listen, and you’ll see!
(Chorus)
She is a hairless hypoallergenic hellhound.
Won’t make me sneeze. I say, “Yes, please!”
She is a hairless hypoallergenic hellhound.
She’ll make this cursed life much easier on me.
I call the number listed, someone answers and says “Hi.”
I ask about the Hellhound, he says “Sure thing, come on by.”
I feel a little nervous; will this hound be the one?
I walk in, see her flaming eyes - a friendship has begun!
(Chorus)
She is a hairless hypoallergenic hellhound.
Won’t make me sneeze. I say, “Yes, please!”
She is a hairless hypoallergenic hellhound.
She’ll make this cursed life much easier on me.
I go about my business, from place to place I fly
My brand new friend, the hellhound, brings a twinkle to my eye
She follows me along my rounds, she helps from time to time
She seems to really like me, and she makes my life sublime!
My first stop’s a cathedral, I incite lust in a priest,
the pristine velvet benches are assaulted by my beast
I then foreclose some mortgages, and misplace some car keys
My hellhound travels to a park and profanes on some trees
Next we drive out to city hall, and cause a lot of pain
by driving 20 miles per hour while in the passing lane
My hellhound distracts everyone, she is so very nimble
while I alter some freeway plans to make an occult symbol
(Chorus)
She is a hairless hypoallergenic hellhound.
Won’t make me sneeze. I say, “Yes, please!”
She is a hairless hypoallergenic hellhound.
She’ll make this cursed life much easier on me.
And on the way back home, I make some rot in a fruit tree
My hellhound scares the neighbor’s cat so he’ll break their TV
We spend some time on crank calls and a rousing game of fetch,
then finish up by cursing my ex-boss, oh that poor wretch!
(Chorus)
She is a hairless hypoallergenic hellhound.
Won’t make me sneeze. I say, “Yes, please!”
She is a hairless hypoallergenic hellhound.
She’ll make this cursed life much easier on me.
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2. |
RPG Monster Song
02:46
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Beholders and kobolds and sphinxes and ogres
And dragons (chromatic and not)
Stone golems, earth golems, gorgons, efreet
Elementals both chilly and hot
Basilisk, vampire, bugbear, leviathan
Cockatrice, gnoll, orc and roc
Siren and satyr and incubus, succubus,
Will o' wisp and trees that walk
Purple worm, lizardman, hippogriff, mimic
Medusas that stare and shoot arrows
Dryad and dark elf and bugbear, chimera and
Wyvern and werewolf and merrows
--------------
Aboleth, avoral, archon, and athach,
A giant, a cube made of jello
Barghest, and blink dog and centaur and chuul,
A destrachan's attack: sonic bellows
Celestial creature, darkmantle, digester
A 9 foot devourer, too
A dire wolf and deep dwarf, a drow and a frost worm
Black pudding with acid-like goo
Gargoyles and genies and giants and gnomes
And paladins fighting gazebos
Our party has fought all these monsters and more
We roll dice and we eat our burritos
--------------
Pegasus, naga, night hag, and nightmare,
And the Glow Cloud - wait, that is Night Vale
A frostwind virago and Wind creature who
Creates wind wall, a great howling gale
Chaos beast, Cloaker, and Delver, and Demon
Assassin vine, Formian queen
Aranea, Arrowhawk, Bodak, and Belker
And slime that's transparent and green
Barbed devil, bone devil, chain devil, horned devil
Ice devil, imp, and pit fiend
Nightcrawler, nightwalker, nightwing, and nymph
On Gygax's text we were weaned
--------------
Ethereal filcher, a Gibbering mouther
Homunculus, Lamia, Lich
Gray render, Grimlock, Rakshasa, and Rast
Cursed armor that might make you itch
A Halfling, a Harpy, a Hellhound, a Howler
a shadow, a shambling mound
A Manticore, Minotaur, Mummy lord, and
Phantom fungus that's found underground
D&D is much more fun than real life
We pretend to be our alter-egos
When you're sad you can sit in on our game
D&D wins out over placebos
--------------
A rust monster ruins all metals it finds
And a steam golem loudly can whistle
A razor boar tramples all of your friends
I attack darkness and cast Magic Missile
That rust monster ate up my favorite sword
Now I'm down to a crossbow and dirk
A wraith just drained away two of my levels away
This new DM is quite a jerk
A Hydra, a Kraken, a Sea cat, a sea hag
And merfolk down where it is wet
Bat swarm and rat swarm and spider swarm, too
A griffon and krenshar
A spectre and sprites
That ain't all but it's all that you get.
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3. |
8 Arms To Caffeinate You
03:07
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I come into work every morning at half past nine
As soon as I enter the room I see the line
I put on my apron and my name tag
Reach under the counter and grab a bag
By the time I get done here, they’ll all feel fine
With one arm, I grab a scoop to get some beans
With another I pour some milk so it can steam
And another arm turns the grinder on
Yet another one grabs the cinnamon
And one arm is dispensing the whipped cream
(Chorus)
Yes, I’ve got eight arms to caffeinate you
My shop, you’ll gravitate to
When you want to wake up don’t carbonate
Come into my shop and percolate
These beans will always animate you
You might think it’s hard to work here as I am
That I’d slip and fall down with a loud ka-blam
But with some rubber mats I can really zoom
I’ve got a salt water tank in the break room
And the coffee shop’s right on the pier, so to work I swam
As a cephalopod, I like to socialize
I can give eight simultaneous high-fives
The coffee shop is my favorite place
When I make drinks, I start my very own ‘arms race’
And with all my customers I like to fraternize
(Chorus)
‘Cause I’ve got eight arms to caffeinate you
My drinks will captivate you
When you want to wake up don’t carbonate
Come into my shop and percolate
These beans will always animate you
This shop is my very favorite place to be
Making coffee for people fills me with such glee
My coffee should win a Nobel Prize
Maybe someday, I can start a franchise
“The Finest Coffee Ever By The Sea”
Business here is going really well
I sell a hundred cups for every ocean swell
With the money I make, I buy more beans
And the newest and fanciest brew machines
And I owe it all to my lovely clientele
(Chorus)
Yes, I’ve got eight arms to caffeinate you
My shop, you’ll gravitate to
When you want to wake up don’t carbonate
Come into my shop and percolate
These beans will always animate you
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4. |
Pocket Monster Lament
04:12
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In Austin’s fair city
Where the parks are so pretty
I first played a phone game called Pokémon Go
I tracked Pidgey and Spearow
Through streets broad and ‘nearrow’
Crying “Jigglypuff!” “Pikachu!” “Seel!” and “Slowbro!”
Seel and Slowbro, Seel and Slowbro
Crying “Jigglypuff!” “Pikachu!” “Seel!” and “Slowbro!”
I walked with my iPhone
To pass the next milestone
To hatch all the eggs, and to level up slow
My phone tracked my progress
I started to obsess
Crying “Dragonite!”, “Gyrados!”, “Jinx!”, and “Hypno!”
Jinx and Hypno, Jinx and Hypno
Crying “Dragonite!”, “Gyrados!”, “Jinx!”, and “Hypno!”
I fought in gym battles
In all of my travels
To buy incubators and great balls to throw
With pokécoins plenty
I spent not a penny
Crying “Jolteon!” “Flareon!” “Eevee!” “Ditto!”
Eevee, Ditto, Eevee, Ditto
Crying “Jolteon!” “Flareon!” “Eevee!” “Ditto!”
Then raids did begin
To all my chagrin
For gath’ring a large group was difficult, oh
To catch legendaries
One can’t be solitary
Crying “Zapdos!” and “Moltres!” and “Articuno!”
Articuno, Articuno
Crying “Zapdos!” and “Moltres!” and “Articuno!”
Then research I did do
To help Willow find Mew
These side quests were fun, and XP he bestows
But Magikarp I must evolve?
That tested my resolve
Walking Magikarp ’til it becomes Gyrados
Becomes Gyrados, becomes Gyrados
Walking Magikarp ’til it becomes Gyrados
My plan will come to fruition
I’ll make it my mission
To reach level 40, not one point below
I’ll track Skitty and Swalot
And throw ultra balls a lot
Crying “Swablu!” and “Seviper!”, “Spoink!”, “Sealeo!”
Spoink, Sealeo, Spoink, Sealeo
Crying “Swablu!” and “Seviper!”, “Spoink!”, “Sealeo!”
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5. |
Cantiga 281
02:02
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6. |
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Oh, Doctor boy, your travels, they are calling
But we are here, the ones you’ve left behind
You hemmed and hawed, we figured you were stalling
We’d go with you, but you were disinclined
To keep us safe, you made us stand behind you
To save our lives, you faced an angry foe
Be by your side? We all were much inclined to
And could you stay? Oh, Doctor boy, you had to go
And while you’re gone, our normal lives go onward,
We miss the fun, and, yes, the danger too
We look back and our adventures we honored
We hope to see your box come into view
So come ye back when Daleks are defeated
Or when Ice Warriors are back beneath the snow,
And here we'll be, you make us feel completed
Oh, Doctor boy, oh Doctor boy, we love you so!
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7. |
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Once upon a time, I up and stole a Time Lord so
We could go adventuring far away from home
I knew right then and there, we’d
Always be together, just
You and me exploring, wherever we might roam
Out among the starlight
You can be my shipwright
No matter if it’s safe or into danger we must fly
I’ll get you there all right
If you would just sit tight
I’ll take you where you need to go, or maybe just nearby
The first time that you saw me, you touched my console and you said that
I was the most beautiful thing you’d ever known.
You stole me and I stole you; it was no case of borrowing. What
Makes you think I’d give you back after we’d flown?
Way back then on Gallifrey
I wanted just to run away
And you were running, too, my thief; I took you for a ride
I got bored of the day-to-day
In that museum so far away
And you, you were just mad enough to let me be your guide
Traveling through space and time is all I wanna do as
Long as I can do my traveling with you
I heard you call me “Sexy” while we tumbled through the stars, so
That must be my name; you’d never be untrue
My flight controls, you take on
You’re flying with the brake on
And that is why I make that wheezing sound you always hear
Through times and places forgone
It is I you count on
And that is why I’ll always be with you, so never fear.
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8. |
4th Doctor Scarf Blues
03:08
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I love Doctor Who
And I really like to knit
So I decided to make the scarf
To go with my outfit
The first thing to chose was
Which version to do
And since I’m vegan
To use cotton or bamboo
My first setback came when
I tried to order online
I needed 15 skeins
but they only carried 9
(Chorus)
I've got the knitting
Knitting the 4th Doctor Scarf Blues
Between completion and sanity
Oh, I’m gonna have to choose
My next order of business
Was to drive around town
But I only hit two yarn shops
Before my car broke down
So I sprang for a taxi
And I paid the fare
But the next shop on my list was closed
And it filled me with despair
Finally got all 7 colors
And headed back to my house
But by then, it was mealtime
Had to cook dinner for my spouse
(Chorus)
I've got the knitting
Knitting the 4th Doctor Scarf Blues
Between completion and sanity
Guess I’m gonna have to choose
I have knitted six feet
Gotta knit six feet more
Cause now when I wear the scarf
It doesn't touch the floor
I was knitting another row
And I ran out of yarn
Got so mad I ripped a hole
That I’ll maybe have to darn
I’m keeping track of so many colors
That maybe I’ll combust
Don’t know why I didn’t pick the scarf
That’s just purple, wine, and rust
(Chorus)
I've got the knitting
Knitting the 4th Doctor Scarf Blues
Between completion and sanity
Oh, I know I’ll have to choose
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9. |
Pirate Chain Mail
02:23
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Verse -
My dear Mrs. Robinson,
I'm writing you to say
I've got some land to sell to you
That's down by Botany Bay.
That is to say it's not too far from somewhere that is not too far from sea.
I think you see.
My dear Mrs. Robinson,
It's not too late to buy
I got this land from someone with one arm and just one eye.
He told me that it's quite a deal
And I could pass those savings on to you.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh.
Bridge -
Dearest Mrs. Robinson,
I'm wishing you would send me a reply
I'm always writing letters
And I'll keep on writing letters
Until my ink pot utterly runs dry
Verse -
My dear Mrs. Robinson
I'm writing you to say
I've got some gold that you can have
If you can also pay
To help me find it. I was told
About this treasure by one Captain Kidd. Oh yes, he did.
Dearest Mrs. Robinson,
In addition to that gold
I've got a spot to offer you,
And it's not in the hold.
For only ten gold sovereigns,
You'll sail in lux'ry with the other crew
Of Bartholomew
Bridge -
Dearest Mrs. Robinson
I promise you will have a pleasant trip
There's absolutely no rats
And no scurvy will you find there
Aboard this pristine lovely leak-proof ship oh oh
Verse -
My dearest Mrs. Robinson,
Please don't feel so forlorn.
I have a shipment waiting here of pristine narwhal horn.
I only need a trusted individual to help me get it through.
So how 'bout you?
My dear Mrs. Robinson,
If you have ten doubloons,
please send a parchment by seagull by this midsummer's moon.
The New World markets wait and
With this magic substance, wealthy we will be.
Oh, yes, you'll see.
You will see.
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10. |
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11. |
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Late last night I went to the store
Google maps decided she could take no more
She made a choice - I should go explore
Giving good directions is such a bore
Go through a stop sign - turn right
Drive 50 feet, then left at the light
Take a hairpin turn, not too tight
I find myself driving for the rest of the night
*Go home, Google, you’re drunk again
Another drive I decided to take
Google maps made a big mistake
Good thing I have a working emergency brake
Seemed she wanted me to end up in the lake
She looked at the directions, but didn’t respond
Of clear instructions, she is not fond
With her common sense, someone had to abscond
She said, “Go straight down the boat launch and into the pond”
*Go home, Google, you’re drunk again
Just the other day I went for a drive
On the upper deck of I-35
Google maps must have wanted a swan-dive
She said to turn right on De(a)dman Drive
I drove out to my friend’s abode
She lives in a rural postal code
My car into a cornfield Google showed
Then she told me to proceed off-road
*Go home, Google, you’re drunk again*
Last week I went to a derby bout
Google maps suggested the scenic route
Instead of the highway, a roundabout
Then onto a dirt road and a tire blowout
My friend asked me to check on her dog, Mouse
While she was on vacation with her spouse
Google Maps instructions caused me to grouse
They sent me to the city dump instead of her house
*Go home, Google, you’re drunk again
Another friend’s home, I did look for
We were going to watch Harry and Dumbledore
About a block before her house, Google spoke no more
But said I’d reached my destination on her second floor
I had to go shopping to stock my fridge
But Google Maps messed up, just a smidge
She gave me directions across a ridge, then told
Me to cross a river without a bridge
*Go home, Google, you’re drunk again
Whomever named these roads could not foresee
Google’s misinterpretation of vocabulary
She gets abbreviations wrong; QED,
It’s not “Malcolm Ten Drive” or “Robert East Lee”
Google Maps’ directions are sometimes wrong
When telling you to turn, she takes too long
You’re out on the highway, zooming along
(tacit - “Turn right during last verse - Recalculating song”)
*Go home, Google, you’re drunk again
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12. |
Mining Terraria
03:03
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In a neat little town I called Princeton
In a game that has lots of renown
I’ve had many an hour's sweet happiness
While mining that neat little town
A sad misfortune came over me
I’d thought that it would be quite grand
But then I found I was mistaken
Betrayed by this square cube of land
At first, I thought I’d found diamonds
But it was just tin in the sand
And there I was, mining Terraria
With a copper pickaxe in my hand
I did turn on my console
Meaning not long for to play
When my spelunking potion showed me such things
To mine, that I had to obey
They were both sparkly and shiny
But when I saw them firsthand
Then I knew that they were not worth so much
These meaningless square cubes of land
At first, I thought I’d found diamonds
But it was just tin in the sand
And there I was, mining Terraria
With a copper pickaxe in my hand
So I took a stroll back to my house
And a merchant, he did pass me by
But before I could chat, I was ambushed
By a zombie and a demon eye
They dove at me and attacked me
And ripped off my head and my hand
Then I had to start over with much less stuff
Though I still had some square cubes of land
At first, I thought I’d found diamonds
But it was just tin in the sand
And there I was, mining Terraria
With a copper pickaxe in my hand
Before I went back out to mining
To the monsters, I gave a great sneer
And then started to craft my defense
With a golden broadsword and a spear
I then headed out to defeat them
It went just as well as I’d planned
And then, I headed back underground
To carve out some square cubes of land
At first, I thought I’d found diamonds
But it was just tin in the sand
And there I was, mining Terraria
With a copper pickaxe in my hand
So come all you geeky young gamers
A warning take by me
When you’re playing this game, and you go outside
Beware of the monsters you’ll see
They'll menace you and they’ll attack you
'Til you are unable to stand
And the very next thing you’ll know, you’re dead
And can’t mine any square cubes of land.
At first, I thought I’d found diamonds
But it was just tin in the sand
And there I was, mining Terraria
With a copper pickaxe in my hand
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13. |
Five Pounds Of Faire
04:04
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Five pounds of faire, five pounds of faire, every weekend I’m taking home five pounds of faire.
Dust in the air, hasn’t a care, every weekend it’s coating me, five pounds of faire.
The cannon goes off
My hat I doff
The resulting dust cloud, it does make me cough
So I take off my costume
and scrub ’til it’s clean
And I witness the fabric
turn from brown to green
Then I take a hot shower
it feels very nice
But as I am so dirty
I have to bathe twice
——
Five pounds of faire, five pounds of faire, every weekend I’m taking home five pounds of faire.
Dust in the air, hasn’t a care, every weekend it’s coating me, five pounds of faire.
I get in my van
Without a plan
Before I know it, the seats are all tan
So I take off my costume
and wash it with care
I think that this goes beyond
reasonable wear
Then I take a hot shower
it feels very nice
To be rid of five pounds of dirt
is paradise
——
Five pounds of faire, five pounds of faire, every weekend I’m taking home five pounds of faire.
Dust in the air, hasn’t a care, every weekend it’s coating me, five pounds of faire.
When I get home
My hair I comb
There is enough dirt to camouflage Rome
So I take off my costume
and scrub ’til it’s clean
And I wash away five pounds
of dirt and sunscreen
Then I take a hot shower
(huzzah and amen)
And I sleep, so next morning
I can do it again
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14. |
Board Game Song
02:40
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Once every month, we have our friends over
They come to the door, through the grass and the clover
They come bearing board games to add to the ones
That we have (and let me tell you, we have tons)
They bring all their favorites, both old and new
Someone brings Catan and someone brings Clue
But I like the ones that are not so well known
Here are a few of the games that I own
There’s Splendor where you can collect precious stones
And Hanabi where you give hints on unknowns
There’s Takenoko which I call panda munch
And Quartz is a mining game which I like a bunch
Here’s Dice Forge where you customize your own dice
And Century - Spice Road where you can trade in spice
Here’s Tara where you can create Celtic knots
And create pathways in Ricochet Robots
There’s Imhotep where you must load all the boats
And Battle Sheep which contains sheep but not goats
There’s Tsuro where you must create your own path
In Labyrinth, you try to avoid Jareth’s wrath
There’s the Dresden Files Card Game that’s by Evil Hat
And Star Trek Panic that is filled with combat
There’s Potion Explosion with marbles that roll
Valeria Card Kingdoms with goblins and trolls
Star Trek Five Year Mission with Yahtzee-like dice
Forbidden Desert and Island (this game was done twice)
Helios where your pieces are ringed by the sun
And Petrichor where clouds and rain have begun
Palazzo and Firenze both take place in Rome
In one, you create towers, and the other, some homes
In Hive you play chess, but with spiders and bees
In Photosynthesis you can grow some trees
As train board games go, there’s Ticket To Ride
In Nippon Rails, trains cross Japan’s countryside
In Spike one transports goods all around
In Colt Express schemin' and stealin’ abound
In Zooloretto, you’re creating a zoo
In Mystic Vale, craft and create a deck, too
Smallworld has expansions that number a lot
In Pandemic, one can cure disease with a shot
There’s Harvest where you can plant seeds and tend fields
And Castle Panic where the walls are your shields
Alhambra where stonemasons need to get paid
And Camp Grizzly where kids die and counselors get laid
In Seasons, three years can go by really fast
Odin’s Ravens - you don’t want to end up dead last
Firefly boasts three games of dice, board, and card
Fitting 20th Century Limited into this song is real hard
At the end of the evening, our friends all went home
We picked up some Meeples and some styrofoam
I turned to my sweetie and that’s when I said
“Maybe we could we play one more board game before bed!”
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Apryl Knight Austin, Texas
Apryl Knight is an Austin-based geek who loves all things SCA, Medieval, Renaissance, and Sci-Fi. She plays music from many times and many lands on WAY too many instruments.
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